Do it for the children

MSN Money considers 14 brands in danger of disappearing. And one of them is our very own Star and Sickle!:

The Twin Cities newspaper has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Though it hopes to restructure and reduce its debts, there is no assurance the paper will emerge from Chapter 11, given the current state of the print advertising market.

Vote here. Vote often. Vote for the Strib. Do it for the children. Did you know that every time a subscriber cancels his subscription to the Star Tribune, a damned soul is released from the Inferno?

A letter to the publisher

In which Kill the Strib contributor NB requests business advice from the publisher of the Star Tribune:

Knowing of your newspaper’s reputation for service to the community and its unflagging efforts to improve the business climate in Minneapolis, I take the liberty of writing for advice.

Studies show that burglars avoid homes with large dogs such as Doberman, Rottweiler or German Shepard. But large dogs are expensive to buy, to maintain (food and veterinary care), and are time-consuming (walking, grooming). This hardest hits working families with lower incomes, who often live in crime-ridden areas.

It occurs to me that a homeowner doesn’t actually need a dog to deter burglars. All that matters is that the burglar believes the homeowner has a large dog. If a burglar sees big piles of dog shit randomly scattered around the front yard, he’s likely to conclude that the home has a large dog, and prudently bypass that home in favor of an easier target.

I have started a new business, a virtual canine protection service, for people who desire the appearance of owning a large dog without the expense and time commitment. I want to start a dog shit delivery service. My service would bring fresh dog shit and fling it on people’s lawns every day (early in the morning, of course, so the burglars don’t see me do it). The customers would pick up the dog shit during the day, when burglars casing the joint would see the customers working and become convinced that this particular home must house a very big, very regular, dog. Maybe several.

The reason I’m writing to you is that I’m been having trouble marketing the service. As crazy as it sounds, some people just don’t want dog shit thrown on their lawns. I couldn’t figure out how to get people to see the value in a pile of dog shit, until I thought of you.

I don’t read the paper and don’t want it delivered to my house. But I find the paper on my lawn quite often. The copies that don’t get soggy and freeze to the steps blow all around the yard. When I called the newspaper, I was told these were “complimentary copies” delivered so I could sample the product to see if I’d like to subscribe. Apparently, there’s no way to “unsubscribe” from this “service” as my repeated requests have fallen on deaf ears. Your Marketing Department has been a model of persistence. I want to adopt their methods.

I’d like to start delivering dog shit to peoples’ lawns. I was hoping to start with yours. I need a few people to test my service to see how effective it is – would you mind if I throw dog shit on your lawn for a few weeks? It would really help me out, and who knows, you might like the product so much that you’ll subscribe! As a special bonus, I’ll bring a can of Mountain Dew and pour some in well-chosen spots. Nothing says “big dog” like yellow holes drilled knee-high in a snow bank.

By the way, I wonder if you had trouble with perceptions, early on? When I pitched my ideas to focus groups, some people were concerned that unsolicited dog-shit deliveries might not be well received. There was considerable feeling that pissing off your potential customers was a poor way to increase market share. I pointed out that the Star Tribune has persisted in exactly this tactic despite declining circulation and plummeting revenues, so there must be a good reason for doing it. My remarks were not well received. Have you had similar feedback?

Thanks for taking time to read this letter. I’m excited about this new business opportunity and I very much appreciate any advice you can give me. I’m serious about signing you up as a product tester – I’d be happy to dump a fresh, hot load of steaming dog shit on your lawn to pay you back for the many “complimentary” newspapers I’ve received. Where do you live?

Hoping to hear from you soon, I remain,

Very Truly Yours,
NB
Virtual Canine Protective Services, LLC

Why the Strib must die: #1

Its content is no different than every other paper pushing left-wing propaganda:

The curious case of 200 nearly identical MSM headlines The following headlines have appeared in newspapers within the last 24 hours. This is not an inclusive list.

• Third of Illinoisans went without health insurance in last 2 years: Sun-Times
• Report: 2.5M in Michigan lacked health insurance: Chicago Tribune
• Study: 29% of Ohioans have gone without health insurance: BizJournals
• Report: More NJ residents lacking health insurance: Forbes
• Study: Many Kansans are uninsured: BizJournals
• Report tallies uninsured in Hawaii: KPUA AM 670
• Study: 1 in 3 Alabamians have no insurance: BizJournals
• 1 out of 4 NH residents lacked health insurance within last two years: WBZ
• 1 out of 3 Coloradans lacked insurance in past two years: Denver Post
• Nearly 1 in 3 Idahoans lack health insurance, study says: Idaho Statesman
• One in four nonelderly Minnesotans has been without health insurance, study shows: Twin Cities

So, is there an identical story in yesterday's Red Star? Of course there is!

Many in state doing without medical coverage, group says

Families USA says such numbers prove health insurance is becoming unaffordable.Nearly one in four Minnesotans went without health insurance for some period during 2007-2008, a national advocacy group said Tuesday, a sign that rising costs are putting medical coverage beyond the reach of more consumers and employers, especially in a weak economy. Minnesota, however, had the lowest rate of uninsured people among the 49 states studied, continuing its long tradition of extensive private and public coverage.

Notice that even though Minnesota doesn't actually have a problem - it has the lowest rate of uninsured among the 49 states studied - the Star Tribune can't resist the urge to devote a headline to pushing for more and bigger government. There simply is no need for the Star Tribune; it doesn't provide anything that isn't readily available online to anyone who actually wants this stuff.

Kill the Strib!

It's about our jobs!

The brilliant writers, photographers, designers, and producers of the Star and SickleTribune have launched a hilarious web site:

Those of us who write, photograph, design and produce the Star Tribune have launched this web site because we want to keep paying our mortgageslocal journalism strong.

With the Star Tribune on its last legsin bankruptcy, our company faces an uncertain future. We’re asking the community to send us moneyhelp us build a compelling case to potential new ownership that the citizens of Minnesota believe, as we do, that the Star Tribune is the ideal vehicle for providing Minnesotans with correct opinionsa vital part of our civic life.

Please spend time on our site, and hit the refresh button like a junkie monkey hitting the coke barcome back often. We’ll be updating it with new features and new appeals for moneyinformation. Tell us why our work matters — from attacking conservative politicianshelping you keep up with public officials, and attacking conservative valuesto honoring the triumphs and sorrows of our community, and attacking conservative votersto letting you know about a hot new restaurant or top 40 pop star featured weekly in Peoplerock band.

We care deeply about the Star Tribune, and believe that our most trusted allies – you, the very people we spent decades pissing on and driving awayour readers – can play a powerful role in saving our jobsshaping our future.

And here I thought I was happy when news of the bankruptcy was first announced. This is like Second Christmas!